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The view is painted today in such blazing colors,
But at least are dimmed all the errors.
The vapid grey of his eyes turned into cyan,
While the blonde hair had rapt the shine of the sun,
Bodies without faces are swallowed by the mist one by one.

The distorted sound seems stunning,
But at least is indecipherable every word coming.
My sight is blurred but I think his face reminds me of another "him",
In these whirling waves I can barely continue to swim,
So I hang on this stranger's face,
Catch him in a breath-taking embrace.

The words I said came out so twisted,
But my tongue is knotting,
The phrase was almost spitted…
His lips are stretching into a smile of understanding,
A whisper that is supposed to reach me floats away,
But I purport this was okay,
Sure, except the moment when I've almost lost self-control,
A sudden contact of our lips imbued with alcohol.
This poem tortured me until it was completely finished.
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:iconkodokunonana:
KodokuNoNana Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012   General Artist
Wonderful ideas! :)
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:iconthfan259:
THFan259 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :aww:
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:iconradiantdestiny:
RadiantDestiny Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
The description is amazing...
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:iconthfan259:
THFan259 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :aww:
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:iconradiantdestiny:
RadiantDestiny Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
you're welcome
Reply
:iconafterthenonsequitur:
AfterTheNonSequitur Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Student General Artist
I love the idea behind this poem, and the way you portray it is pretty effective. A small piece of critique, though, if you want it: I would work on your flow a little bit more. I realize that this is 'free verse', but even free verse needs a some rhythm.

Otherwise, good job!
Reply
:iconthfan259:
THFan259 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you liked the idea; I was afraid that it could be a bit hard to figure out.
About the flow, well, it was a quick poem formed by blurred fragments of a scene. Honestly, I didn't wanted to write it down, but the images came again and again through my mind until the poem was finished. But it's nice to see that people appreciates it, so thanks :aww:
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Student Writer
Then I am most curious as to how it will continue =)
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:iconthfan259:
THFan259 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well, I don't know neither. But I have a strange feeling that soon I'll find out.
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Student Writer
=D Looking forward to it.
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:iconthe-soulseeker-vio:
the-soulseeker-vio Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is very beautiful!
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:iconthfan259:
THFan259 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aw, thank you :aww:
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:iconnick-chan:
Nick-chan Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I like it :)
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:iconthfan259:
THFan259 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you do ^^
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:iconnick-chan:
Nick-chan Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
^^
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:iconemanuele23:
emanuele23 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Professional Photographer
great work, is very strong and emotional, compliments...:rose::kiss:
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:iconthfan259:
THFan259 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you ^^ Is nice to see that someone appreciates.
Reply
:iconemanuele23:
emanuele23 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Professional Photographer
its a pleasure for me...:cuddle:
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:icon16number7:
16Number7 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012
There's no shame in looking up what a word means, because when you use a word that you don't know, you're using a connotation you don't know, and it leaves a poem a jumbled mess of conflicting messages and verses, don't reuse phrases like 'At least' unless they have a recognizable meaning, and punctuation is particularly important in a non-performed poem, much of what you say doesn't make sense, I'm sure it does to you, but a message you create deserves to be produced in a medium that is understandable to an outside audience. Work on your delivery.
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:iconrainyhawaiiv2:
RainyhawaiiV2 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I disagree with what you're saying. First of all, there is no word in there that could offer to confusion, they were all used correctly to their meaning. Next is that the re-use of the phrase "at least" isn't in excess, actually, repetition is a strong poetic device. Next is your hypocritical comment on punctuation, grammar, and the like seeing as yours is horrendous and hers is far superior, at least to that of yours. Last thing is that I had a harder time trying to get through what you were trying to say than what she was, so you know what? You work on your delivery. You're obviously not an artist and have no taste in any of it, so stop flaming and spamming other people's art.
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:icon16number7:
16Number7 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012
Words like purport imply a falsehood in your report of actions, and thus it makes the last few lines completely confusing. Furthermore, you don't use a poetic device like repetition unless it has a recognizable meaning, as I said before. I don't see the problem in my grammar, but I may have just missed it. I'm not flaming, I'm telling someone that they can deliver their message a little bit better, perhaps you should get off your high horse and let someone who'd already accepted a little outside criticism to take it.
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:iconrainyhawaiiv2:
RainyhawaiiV2 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well those of use that can actually understand art aren't confused by the use of the word purport in this situation, but I guess I can't expect everyone to be smart. Aside from that, the recognizable meaning and repetition aren't that big of deal, all that means is that you don't understand poetry, which is okay, just don't comment. Which brings me to the next point, grammar. Your grammar was bad, though, it got better this time. Wonder why that is? Her grammar was fine. Next is that criticism isn't a good thing when it's either not necessary or in excess, yours was both. Just because she accepted it doesn't mean that it was okay, it means she doesn't want to deal with you because you obviously have no idea what you're talking about. Oh, and I am won't be engaging in this folly anymore, so reply if you want, I won't.
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:icontheolivethief14:
theolivethief14 Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow...just, wow you guys...
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:iconthfan259:
THFan259 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well, I'm sorry if my poem is a bit messed up, but I don't think it's really indecipherable. Anyway, thanks for the advice.
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:iconrainyhawaiiv2:
RainyhawaiiV2 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Don't listen to him, dear, it was a wonderful poem.
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:iconthfan259:
THFan259 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks. Everyone has different opinions and I accept that, so it's okay ^^
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:iconrainyhawaiiv2:
RainyhawaiiV2 Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome.
Reply
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