The beast tried to run away but now is squatted on the ground, Desperate it tries to howl but what comes out is just blood, With fangs and claws they are ripping off its skin, They are displaying satisfied a sardonic grin.
While wresting its flesh, humans they claim to be, Killing the beast, they say is setting the world free, Bound in chains it lies dreaming to the last breath, But they won't listen to its despairing cries for a sudden death, Because the beast is accused of defiance, Being different - maybe was made with the Devil a compliance.
Lacerating its bruised skin with their crooked teeth, The beast is wailing, blood gushing from underneath, Its body turning to a mass of broken bones and slaughtered flesh, The painful cry extinguish willing to shape a start afresh, But the poor soul hangs by a thread, Its eyes are dry, the blood had been shed.
A fact between human and beast, For which the death of the innocent is a reason to feast, Someone really owns the power over other's life? Condemning to the cleave by the knife, To the humiliating march of mercy accompanied the melody of the fife.
Hello! This is Lhyrre, your friendly neighborhood critic. I'm so sorry this took me so long to get to! Stuff happened, and I've been crazy busy. Actually, Auburn should have been reviewing this, but since she's away, I'll do it.
Let me say right off that I really honestly love this poem. I love what you're trying to say, and some of your language vividly speaks to the soul. The way you clearly characterize society and uniqueness adds to the power of the poem. A lot of your word choice is gorgeous - "Lacerating" "gushing" "cleave" - I love it. (I'm a word person, so word choice really matters to me.) You clearly line up your idea and clearly communicate it in a way that makes the author identify with the beast and feel its pain. There's a lot of raw talent here.
However, I feel like the first couple of verses were difficult to get through. In stark contrast to the later verses, the first few were really difficult for me to read for some reason. It felt like the first two verses you simply put in so that the last two would make sense. It took me a while to figure out what made them so different, and then I got it. The sentences that you used in the first two are simply awkward to read. I don't know whether you were trying to get them to rhyme or something, but it's just... off.
"The beast tried to run away but now is squatted on the ground, Desperate it tries to howl but what comes out is just blood, With fangs and claws they are ripping off its skin, They are displaying satisfied a sardonic grin."
I'll use this verse as an example. The first lines of a poem should always be powerful - they have to draw the reader in, especially in a longer poem like this one. However, these lines, though the meaning is powerful, don't /grab/ you. The problem is... it runs on, doesn't rhyme, and uses the word "squatted", which to my knowledge is not a word. Now, this wouldn't be a problem is the rest of the poem was written in the same manner, but the fact is, the rest of the poem rhymes and uses punctuation to establish the flow of the poem. Without changing the meaning of the first verce, let me show you how I would break it up so that it grabs the human eye.
"The beast that tried to run away, now is crouched in the mud, Desperate it tries to howl but what comes out is just blood, With fangs and claws they are ripping off skin, They are displaying, satisfied, a sardonic grin."
That's just a quick fix. I just changed two or three words, and put in commas. However, do you see the difference that it can make? Honestly, you actually DO this with the last two verses of the poem. Not consistently, but you do it enough that I was totally enraptured by the end of the poem, even if I was not impressed in the beginning. All this poem needs is some editing and you can get rid of all of the distracting elements and fully bring out the potential of this amazing poem. Good luck!
I'm sorry for the mistakes; grammar, punctuation, the way I expressed my thoughts. English isn't my primary language and sometimes I need a dictionary - to translate a word, or just reading it searching for new(to me), interesting words. So I found this word, 'squatted', [link] that seemed prefect to describe the image I had in my head.
I know that sometimes my sentences can be hard to understand, especially at the begining. It takes a while to set my brain on English .
I see the difference, so I get your point. But I can't change anything. When I declare something 'finished' I never work on it again, and this is wrong, I know. I believe that I had a reason to use those words, that order, and I prefer to keep it as it originally came ^^
I'm glad that you liked my poem, even if it had some mistakes, so thanks again. I hope that in future I'll polish my English vocabulary .
That's a very close-minded view to have. I'll be perfectly honest with you, you can never become a great writer (let alone a good one) if you do not edit. It takes talent to write something decent in a first draft, but it takes far more to recognize the good and bad in your own piece and take the steps to change it. You have a lot of potential as a poet and a writer. Don't waste it because you have to stick to some "ideal" that will only bring down your writing style and keep you from ever achieving anything with your poetry. I had to learn this the hard way. Don't fool yourself into thinking that your mind is most purely expressed in the initial writing of something. That is a fallacy spread by those who can't admit that their writing may not be perfect. I don't want to see such a talented young writer head down that path - I've seen it too many times.
I know, you are right. I'll try to change this problem of mine, because I really love what I do, and if there's a way of making it better, well, I have to accept the change. Just that I'm afraid of destroying everything, that's why I don't change words often. It may be hard, but I'll give it a try. Thanks for the advice, I'll try to do my best in the future ^^
Just remember - you can always change it back if you don't like it! That's what's great about writing. And if you're worried about losing the meaning, just ask people to read over it. I have a set of about four people that I go to when I'm editing a piece. (I'm absolutely terrible at editing my own writing.) It's always better to ask opinions and disagree on a few points than to not ask any opinions at all and not know what is wrong with your piece. And I'm going to look forward to it! I'm sure that your poetry will become so much more powerful when you take the time to care about it. It's sort of like growing a tree - in order for it to reach its greatest potential, it needs pruning. But unlike a tree... if you prune something away, you can always put it back.
Also, as a side note: I checked out the word, and squatted is a word. My bad. (I still like "crouched" better, but I think that has to do with the number of syllables. It just feels better when I read it out loud. >.<)
it's easy to feel different when society constantly changes the description of perfection, throwing images and ideals our way. No one lives to these standards even the poster children that embody the marketing and contructs. You are as unique as I or one another, and we are all beautiful and interesting that way. Great depictions in your work-
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